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"Thank you madness,

I could not do it wihout you."

FdlM

 

Long before I discovered the visual arts, I walked around with a pack of intrusive inner voices. I always understood that they were not a part of me, but implanted in my head by traumatic experiences in my life, as child. I didn’t know how to make them go away. Ignoring them and trying to run away from them, got me into a self-destructive path and almost got me killed a couple of times. No matter what I tried to do to make them shut up, they would always resurface. Eventually, therapy, meds and a diagnosis that explained quite a lot. But I may or may not talk about that later.  Though finding counseling helped, it wasn’t till I was forced into the silence and solitude of an art studio that I began the scary task of facing them one by one. One day I began to ask myself - How do I know these voices are not just characters in a play, a short story, a poem, a song or painting?  That’s when I began to listen to them. I invited them in, despite my fear of the outcome. Eventually I learned to trust them and employ them in my work. Some of them could be very abusive, beyond what you’ve imagined the inner critic to be like. I still listened and even put in practice some the things they told me I couldn’t do, or that I lacked. This approach ignited entire art series and made open to explore. The more I work, the better it gets. It gets quieter and to my surprise, some voices have even disappeared without saying goodbye; while new ones emerge. I find myself sharing this today to face one of them actually. The one that tells me “You got no story, you’re not a writer, you didn’t even go to college, you loser. You can’t spell and nobody’s going to read your crappy blog. You’re weak for sharing this shit.” As I began to write this entry, I created an image of this enraged character pacing behind me, while saying such things. He knows that I’m no longer listening, as I continue typing to expose him. He knows that I’m winning and now he’s fading into nothingness. Should he return I will be kind enough to beat him into a work of art.